i’m tired.

but not in the way you think

i’m tired of getting up every morning to have it be the same as it was yesterday

i’m tired of trying so hard and nothing ever working out

i’m tired of being tired from battling so many thoughts in my head that never seem to disappear even when i’m sleeping

i’m tired of living

it’s not necessarily that i want to die

but if i could go to sleep and not wake up being me tomorrow, i would

if i could hit a restart button using everything i know now to try again

to not make the mistakes i have

to not go through the pain i have

to live my childhood how i should have

i mean sure we can always start over

but it’s not really starting over

people will still remember all the things i did

i’ll still have lost the people that have left

i’ll still carry the pain that yesterday gave me

i could move to a new town and start new

but the pain of what was will always be in the back of my head

because it’s not necessarily starting new, it’s moving on from what was

but change was never easy for me

letting go and moving on has never been something i could do

the pain always sits in the back of my mind haunting me

keeping me from getting new friends or trying new things

because what if i fuck it up again

i can’t deal with more heartache and pain

if i could restart brand new, life would be so much easier

if i could be someone other than me, i’d be happier

i’d live life the way i was supposed to, without the pain, the sorrow, the heartbreaks

i’d be the happiest person in the world

and sure i’ll fuck things up eventually

but maybe not as bad as how i have

and that’s ultimately all i could ever ask for

so no i don’t necessarily want to die

but a restart button would be nice