you said you’d never hurt me.

and yet here we sit.

i tell myself i hate you,

and honestly i think i do.

wanting nothing to do with you anymore.

and yet everyday i check all of your profiles to see if you’ve posted something new,

i check the game we played together to see the last time you were active,

i check the website to see if anything new has happened,

just to bring pure hatred for you to run through my blood.

but then i catch myself before an impulse, as i remember how much i loved you, and maybe still do,

to remind myself i am not allowed to contact you.

spiraling into thoughts of

“what if they never find out”

“what if he doesn’t want to talk to me”

“maybe he hates me”

“does he still care for me”

“would he even respond?”

and the final thought always being

“but what if he goes off at me”

bringing all the hate right back.

to once again being torn between whether i hate you, or whether i love you.