i used to see my self harm as self care.

the meaning of self care being the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness.

and when you see yourself as unworthy, and deserving of cruel punishment, self harm becomes self care.

because at that point you’re taking an active role in protecting your well being of not allowing good or worthy things in. protecting your well being of healing because you believe you’re not deserving of it. protecting your happiness by not allowing it in because you don’t want to get your hopes up, don’t want to allow yourself to think you are worthy of happiness.

and yet at the same time you’re protecting your happiness by the sadness, the anger, the satisfaction and ounce of happiness from that self harm.

but how do you explain that to someone?

how do you explain that your self harm is self care?

because unless you’ve been in that low of a mindset,

you’ll never understand how it would make sense in the mind.

but yet it makes perfect sense.

someone happy, believing of worthiness, treats themself to coffee or dressing up as self care.

someone depressed, believing of unworthiness, treats themself to harmful situations as self care.

they are giving themselves what they believe they deserve.

but how do you get the world to understand that?

you tell us to be good to ourselves.

and we are.

but yet we get told that we’re not.

but you see…

we believe self harm inflictions is being good to ourselves.

and that’s something people may never understand.

because in our eyes,

self harm is self care.