i wonder what went through my moms head the morning i didn’t wake up in time for school.

i wonder if she had thought i just slept in, or if i snoozed my alarm, or if i just forgot to turn it on.

i wonder if she had thought i possibly could have passed out.

but the terror, the shakiness in her voice makes me wonder if it was something much darker.

if she had thought i maybe wasn’t going to wake up.

and then it made me wonder what would have happened if i never would have responded, if i never would have woke up.

it made me think about my mom coming down to wake me up for school to find me dead in my bed.

her coming in my room saying my name trying to wake me up, her walking over to my bed, putting her hand on my back, shaking me a little while saying my name, to get no response, to find no pulse.

would she find the note i’d tape on my headboard before she’d fall apart?

would she fall to the ground screaming, crying, or would she yell for my dad, or would she grab a phone to call 911, or would she continue to try to wake me?

i wonder how she would react, if that morning i had not woken up.