i promised i’d never hurt you again.

promised i would always put you before me as i had before

promised i would do anything for you

promised i never did it intentionally but was wrapped up in my own depression

promised it hurt me as much as it hurt you

promised it killed me inside

promised i’d never hurt you again.

and yet deep inside i wish i could hurt you the way you hurt me.

put you through what you put me through.

wish you could feel the pain you gave me.

the pain you intentionally put me through.

i wish i was cold hearted enough to say fuck you and do the exact same things you did to me.

but instead i stay the same person i promised i would be.

instead i’m there for you all the time.

instead i hope you the best and look for the best instead of getting angry.

instead i give you support and love.

when everything inside of me wants to scream,

wants to ask why you put me through all of that

why you gave me the pain you did

and how you could still act as though nothing happened when you can’t believe i’m that stupid enough to know you’re faking.

yet sometimes i want to know if you truly think i’m that stupid

want to know why you play these games with me

want to tell you how bad it fucking hurts me

how much i cry at night over you and yet i wipe my tears and smile when i snap you back

it kills me to try to stay nice and loving when all i want to do is scream at you some days.

it’s hard to stay understanding when i don’t understand any of what you did.

but yet no matter how much it kills me, hurts me, drains me,

i still do all of it,

all because

I promised i’d never hurt you again.